Finding A Way In

April 29, 2K15

I’m reading Donald Miller’s, Scary Close currently. This novel concerns intimacy issues, relationship problems, questions and overarching insecurities we face as humans stumbling around trying to mold ourselves in and around everyone else.

To be frank, to be brutally honest and real and raw, relationships are hard. I deter from a lot of awkward situations, I consciously remove myself from the planting process of new relationships. For many reasons, I’m sure you do as well. Whether it be time, commitment issues, distance, availability, incompatibility, ineptitude, whichever. Pick yours. Claim it. Wear it around.

When I consider my excuse, my aching reality that looms over my inability to grow new relationships, I think of hurt. I think of how deep the pain is to be fully known and forgotten. I think of old friends who have come and gone. I’m reminded of the imprints people have made on me, and surely, of the concrete scars I’ve created in others.

As we grow older, smarter, stronger, faster, wider, etc., we tend to get lost in everything we are advancing in, thus allowing significant qualities to slip between our fingers. Intimacy, insecurities, development, spirituality, desperation, adequacy. Those aren’t topics that are typically discussed on a lunch date or around the breakfast table with your family or your friends. Those topics are cultivated over time and through a lens in which both the speaker and the receiver are willing to hurt and mend together.  A lot of us want to be the speaker. Most of us want to skip the whole conversation and simply mend. Relationships don’t work under ultimatums; there is no rule book, no contract, no guarantees. The paradox of our lives is this: We must be willing to risk our hearts in order to receive the love we deserve.

Relationships are still hard. I will most likely hesitate to plant new seeds and I’ll most definitely continue on in my constant attempt of avoiding any and all awkward encounters. The cool thing, about people and plants, is you never quite know what seeds were worth planting. Most times, they’re all pretty special.

-b

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