Ahead.

2.18.16

“It made her wonder if you could know a person only at a single moment in time, because a year from now or a day from now, they might be different. It made her wonder if everyone reinvented himself or herself, if that was as natural as other animals shedding their skin.”
-Jodi Picoult

I believe we are bound by who we are both forever and momentarily. Because of this, it’s nearly impossible to truly know ourselves, let alone one another. We’re too often shifting, changing, breaking, healing, turning away, moving on, re-arranging, etc.

We’re complex beings. We are constantly bewildered and engulfed by our inability to hold tight to what we want, what we need, who we want to be, and surely, who we’re becoming.

These components of how we operate make us more able to love and much more difficult to understand. We thirst for attention, we want to grapple with the turbulence this world and our own minds offer us, together.

We want our messiness to cling to the chaos of others and somehow make sense. We want clarity, but we know damn well no other human being is able to, nor should be expected to, satisfy or heal this deep longing within us. Our own complexities stem from this impulsive, bottomless pining; the power and pull of it consumes us.

I have to remind myself far too frequently, to breathe. To stop placing my own burdens, my own scarcities, my own expectations, on the shoulders of those who aren’t fit to carry it. Selfishly, I’m quick to shake my fists at the sky, curse the heavens and the way our world turns, but you and I both know we make the beds we lie in.

We wake up every day and choose. We choose who to let and keep in our lives. We choose the hearts we’re willing to play around with, the minds we’re okay with prodding. So much of my pain is my own. I feel it, and I own it.

I opened the door and let myself into this tender, achingly horrendous place of residence. Thank the good Lord we’re made to be resilient. Thank God we’re strong enough to let go, move on, turn around, stand up.

Thank God we’re able to heal.

-b

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