Detached.

3.6.16

Some things need to be spoken aloud in order for them to resonate. When I make certain decisions, the kind I overanalyze and contemplate and stress over (so most of them), I banter with myself until I reach a conclusion and verbally repeat that ‘oh-so-brilliant-and-completely-overthought-choice’ out loud. There’s something tangible and terrifying about being held responsible for our words once they drip from our lips.

Our thoughts too often run rampant; we can’t possibly be taken seriously or held accountable for those crazy things. However, once we’ve shared our thoughts with others, once we stand by our opinions and choices enough to verbalize them, we’re prancing on the land-mines of being wrong. 

I cannot express to you, as you probably cannot fathom communicating to me, the abundance of times in which I’ve trusted the wrong guy, gave the wrong friendship my time and commitment, walked into the wrong room, stayed in the muck of an argument for the wrong prideful reasons, invested in the wrong relationship, took the wrong part-time job, applied to the wrong school, got the wrong degree, kissed the wrong frog.

Whatever it is for you, we all have our things. THEY ARE NOT WRONG OR RIGHT OR GOOD OR BAD. BY GOD, THEY ARE JUST THINGS.

I’m not sure what you call them. Whether you refer to them as your mistakes, your heartbreaks, your flaws, your lessons learned,  your wrong-doings. PLEASE STOP LABELING THEM THIS WAY.

All of your ‘things,’ are who you are. They are so bloody, unimaginably pivotal in the creation of your softening heart. You need these moments, sweet soul. These phases, these relationships, these ‘wrong’ turns if you must, are bits and pieces of you, becoming more of you. These are times of refinement. Sometimes you will shed your skin. Sometimes you will walk around with your bruises and lament until they completely heal. Sometimes you will wear your scars like tattoos and eventually you will retrace them and teach others because and through them.

Most of the time, you will become a softer human because of your things. That is my ultimate hope for you, and for me.

I am going to keep over-analyzing and nit-picking and bantering with myself until I muster up enough will-power and confidence to verbalize my choice in whatever matter is being placed in my oh-so-delicate hands. I am going to keep getting trampled over by the craziness and hurt of life because that is what happens when you make any sort of resolute decision.

Sweet soul, you are going to mess up. Forever and ever, you are going to be picked up and whipped away by the wind of this world and it’s cruelties. BUT- and I assure you there is a but in this paradox that is worth listening to- you will experience the greatest of joys because you are actively living outside of your headspace. Your thoughts are no good until you act on them, until you take responsibility for them, until you believe in yourself enough to turn right or left because you know damn well you can handle the heat if you get hit, and even more so, you know you are ready, hopeful, and expectant for the wonderful stroke of life that awaits.

Keep driving. Keep turning. Keep speaking up.

-b

 

 

 

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