Barren.

“Looking back, I wish that everyone could have that sort of moment: a moment where you realize that your hands are so impossibly small and this world is so impossibly big. And the two don’t seem to add up. Maybe recognizing the smallness of your own hands is just the very first step to changing anything at all.” -Hannah Brencher

There’s a desperation I feel after I consume these words. I sit with them in my head and in my hands and I want to turn them into something—anything.

Instead, I look down at them and I feel anxious and content, nervous and giddy (which are awfully hard emotions to tackle simultaneously). One of my greatest fears, is never speaking up and out to the world; all the words I have fumbling around, convoluted and frantic inside of me, remaining dormant and unheard. 

This intense, weepy, bold, fierce, inquisitive, wandering heart of mine, nags at me to be used over and over and over again— and at the center of this painful ache is a stillness I can’t shake. In my efforts to eradicate this dullness, I move. I do the things. I make my bed, I run, I meet with friends, I accept every invitation, I say yes and yes and yes until I’m too tired to recognize the rawness I’m dismissing within me.

I need you to hear something. Doing all the “things” will never be the answer. They will turn you into a people-pleasing, drained, workaholic. At the end of your days, when all your “things” are done and crossed off your extensive list, you will be bombarded with a feeling of barrenness.

The truth? No one needs you to be a people-pleaser or a work-aholic. People around you need the opposite. They need to see you living up and out; they need to watch you draw from the center of your rawness; they need to know and hear and taste the dormant words floating around somewhere in your being.

People need you just as much as you need you. 

And so, it is your duty to give. To yourself and to others. Everything you have. Everything you’re scared to bring to the light. Everything you’re anxious to show and share.

STOP DOING ALL THE “THINGS.” We don’t need anyone else filling their time and ours with busyness and productivity. It’s an illusion, sweet soul. You aren’t really getting anything done; the unfortunate paradox is, you’re procrastinating your purpose. Pull from somewhere else.

Today, for a moment, I sat down. Really, truly, I sat down and I let my dirty, sweaty hair fall across my face until my breath became still and rhythmic. I picked up my pen and my phone and I scrambled for words from strangers. I sought.

I think that’s the missing link. In fact, I know it is. We need to find it necessary to wake up and seek. Every day. Again and again and again and again.

Soon enough, the rawness and the stillness will feel less like obstacles, and more like places to begin.

-b

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