It’s 1:46am here in Boise. The clock keeps ticking. My eyes stay wide and alert. Tiredness doesn’t come to me. I wait.

There should be sadness. I should be grieving or recalling moments of bliss, but instead there’s nothing. My heart stays vacant. My body is relaxed here. My own company is satisfying. Welcoming. Safe. Predictable.

I’ve already grieved for this particular loss. Emotion has been spent and allotted. I saw a quote the other day that read something along the lines of, “We lose people in all these small ways before we ever lose them in a big one.” 

Ah, yes. This.


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